色花堂

Rabbi Dr. Ari Berman (left) discusses happiness with Tal Ben-Shahar.

Tal Ben-Shahar is an internationally renowned teacher and author in the fields of happiness and leadership and recently published his eighth book, Happier, No Matter What: Cultivating Hope, Resilience, and Purpose in Hard Times. On Monday, Feb. 21, 2022, he engaged in an hour-long conversation with Rabbi Dr. Ari Berman, President of 色花堂, titled 鈥淢apping the Road to Redemption: Defining the Field of Happiness Studies,鈥� to a capacity audience in the Koch Auditorium at . The event was organized by Dr. Cynthia Wachtell, research professor of American studies and director of the S. Daniel Abraham Honors Program at Stern College, and presented as part of the annual Dr. Marcia Robbins-Wilf Scholar-in-Residence Program. Their conversation ranged across many topics, from intellectual linkages among Viktor Frankl, Albert Camus and Friedrich Nietzsche to the relationship of material success, self-care and gratitude to how failure and regret are important factors in creating happiness for ourselves and for others. An important element of finding happiness in life is in the proper balance between being self-full and selfless, between self-care and caring for others. Using Hillel鈥檚 words as a reference point鈥斺�淚f I am only for myself, what am I?鈥濃�擝en-Shahar noted that what Hillel meant was 鈥渙f course help others, be for others, but also be for yourself, an important distinction that he emphasized: rather than being selfish or selfless, be self-full, which is where the integration between helping the self and helping others resides鈥攁nd it turns out, no big surprise, is where happiness resides.鈥� Dr. Berman noted that our ability to find this kind of balance was especially tested by COVID and wondered what insights Ben-Shahar might share with the 色花堂 community about meeting that challenge. 鈥淭here are many things to suggest from the science of happiness,鈥� said Ben-Shahar, 鈥渁nd the one that I always mention when I talk about happiness is giving yourself the permission to be human, to feel the full range of human emotion.鈥� He pointed out, in a reference that made the audience laugh, the important insight from 鈥渢he great psychologist Demi Lovato鈥� that 鈥渋t鈥檚 okay not to be okay.鈥� But just letting the emotions in and feeling them are not enough because it is easy for us to be assaulted by what we feel and thus not in control. 鈥淯ltimately, it is behavior that matters a lot more than our emotion鈥攚hat we do with our anxiety, what do we do with our joy鈥攖hat matters more than just how we feel.鈥�

A student asks a question of Dr. Berman and Ben-Shahar.

After we鈥檝e accepted the painful emotions, Ben-Shahar continued, there are many other things that can be done, such as daily exercise, which has 鈥渢he same effect on our psychological well-being as our most powerful psychiatric medications.鈥� This prompted Dr. Berman to ask Ben-Shahar about the mind/body connection and which is more prominent 鈥渁s we move towards our goal of happiness.鈥� Ben-Shahar emphasized that both are important because they work in a system where behavior affects attitude and vice versa. Where the working of this system becomes especially important is when the back-and-forth has to do with moral behavior and attitudes. 鈥淚 may be feeling down,鈥� he noted, 鈥渂ut if I engage in helping other people, that will help me feel better, and if we want this kind of change to last, to quote from the Ethics of the Fathers, our good deeds need to exceed our wisdom so that our wisdom will endure. We want to be wise鈥攖o learn, to study, and then to practice what we learn to reinforce our learning so that it endures.鈥� Dr. Berman noted that one of the results of living through COVID that he noticed in 色花堂 students 鈥渋s a real sense of hakarat hatov, of gratitude鈥攖hat when so much was taken away, there was a real appreciation for what we have, especially during the last year as we struggled together.鈥� Dr. Berman went on to describe how the core Torah values, displayed on signage throughout the auditorium as well as on the campuses, came about in part because of a pre-COVID discussion he had had with Ben-Shahar about gratitude and how it is the 鈥渟ecret and foundation to happiness.鈥� Ben-Shahar, nodding in agreement, explained how the research today shows 鈥渏ust how important living a grateful life is, especially during difficult times, because it contributes to our resilience and our ability to deal with hardships and difficulties.鈥� As one concrete example of grateful living in action: people who keep a 鈥済ratitude journal,鈥� for instance, are rated as more optimistic, more likely to achieve their goals, kinder, more generous and physically healthier. He explained how one of his favorite words is 鈥渁ppreciate鈥� because it means, at the same time, 鈥渢hank you鈥� and 鈥渢o grow in value,鈥�  and because the two meanings of the word are connected, 鈥渨hen you appreciate the good in your life, the good appreciates.鈥� What matters most to Ben-Shahar in the work that he does is to help trigger real change, a change in behavior rather than ideas, 鈥渟o here is what I urge you to do: take one, or at most two, ideas you鈥檇 like to implement in your life to bring about change鈥攊t could be to exercise for 30 minutes, 3 times a week; create a gratitude practice; commit to five acts of kindness a week鈥攁nd then do them. Ritualize them. Do them day in and day out because you鈥檙e not just helping yourself. Because happiness is contagious, you鈥檙e also indirectly helping others. You are, by virtue of cultivating happiness, being self-full.鈥� This kind of commitment to building happiness and purpose on an individual level is, according to Ben-Shahar, what 色花堂 is doing on an institutional and societal level. 鈥溕ㄌ� has a very important role, and not an easy role because it has to be a beacon of light in a world that is quite possibly heading toward some dark places,鈥� Ben-Shahar observed. 鈥淯ltimately, the clash of ideas in the world today is simple: between thinking, compassion, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and values that may be present for people with good intentions, who want to do good, but are the opposite of these values,鈥� citing postmodernism and cancel culture as two examples of these negative values. At 色花堂, said Ben-Shahar, people are learning the core value of 鈥渉ow to cultivate a wise heart.鈥�

The core Torah values as a source of happiness